Throughout the many years of my life, I have known moments of utter joy (the births of my children), moments of great sorrow (the deaths of my grandparents), and moments of deep despair (too many)…If I had written that sentence thirteen years ago, I would have added “moments of exhilarating love.” I cannot add that now, because I have more than moments. For the past twelve years I have known nothing but soul-satisfying love with my Danny. However, this man for whom I waited 50 years was not the man of my dream – the dream I had when I was nine years old.
I was dressed up and sitting in an auditorium, front and center of a small stage. The curtains were deep-blue velvet. The wooden floor was worn and dusty. Off to the left, a sign stated: TALENT SHOW. Although I was aware of voices all around me, I did not look at anyone. For some reason I was alone, and I wondered where my parents were. Then the hall’s lights dimmed and a bright circle shone on the stage.
I blinked my eyes and suddenly there was a man in front of me. He was tall and thin with glasses and dark blond hair. His long fingers were playing an accordion that was strapped to him. I could not hear the music, but his fingers mesmerized me until I wiggled in my seat with discomfort. I blinked again, and a younger man appeared holding a guitar. He had curly, dark hair. As he began playing, I realized I couldn’t hear that music either. I must have frowned, because he flashed me the whitest smile I had ever seen.
Then I woke up. It was still dark and I remember feeling funny, like I’d done something wrong. I went back to a dreamless sleep, woke up, and never told anybody about the dream. It stayed gone and forgotten – until 20 years later.
By that time, I had three children and was married to my second husband. He had a mustache when we first met and to that he added a hippie beard after we were married. One day, for some unknown reason, he decided to surprise me and walked out of the bathroom clean-shaven. I was absolutely shocked! I could not move or speak. He was a complete stranger. When he reached out for me, I backed up. This wasn’t the person I married 3 years earlier. How could facial hair change a man so drastically?
A couple of days later, we went to his parents’ house. They were glad to see him sans mustache/beard. His mother proudly showed me his handsome high school picture. Oh, my god! That long ago dream slammed into my psyche like a bulldozer. My husband was the exact image of that smiling guitar player. He even played the guitar once in a while. My mind was reeling. Within minutes a second flash of lightning hit me: The accordion player was a duplicate of my first husband! I instantly wondered why the dream hadn’t come back when he had brought out his accordion on our third date.
Needless to say, I was freaked, people! This was too much like the “Twilight Zone.” But, eventually, it also gave me pause – there’s more to life than we could ever realize.
As Danny and I go through our lives talking, laughing, holding hands, smooching, and snuggling as we fall asleep, I cannot help but ponder upon that dream and the lack of his visage in it. Was that dream a premonition of the heartache and emotional abuse to come? Or was it more primal than that? Had it been buried within my brain so that later I would subconsciously recognize the fathers of my children? If that is true, then only God could have put it there. He is the only one who knows everything…On the other hand, why had I had that dream at such a young age? Why was I allowed to be aware of it?
Oh well, it’s all irrelevant now, isn’t it? Just makes you think – and maybe shiver…(grin)